Scene: We join Young(ish) Enthusiastic Blogger (YEB) in his study as he’s working through some bit of inspiration, soon to be forgotten in his draft folder.
Enter a visitor appearing in a flash of light.
Visitor: Wha…? Where is this?
YEB: You have entered my study, I’m Yeb.
YEB: I can see by your confusion you must be new to the realm?
YEB: You’re newer than I thought, you’ve entered my study through use of the portal, it’s a tool of the writer’s realm. It can transfer a writer anywhere they wish, once one learns how to navigate its many rivers. For generations writers have relied on the varied pathways of the Muses to produce material and find inspiration. You accessed the realm while you were writing something.
Visitor: Why am I here?
YEB: Hmmm, usually newbies are transferred to an initial guide for an introduction after being led to the realm by a guide. You clearly are an apprentice to no one, so your case is a bit more complicated. Normally writers are helped along this process by someone else, but it looks like you’re alone. You weren’t helped out at all by someone like a librarian or an English professor?
Visitor: Hell no, I just started writing about sports on the Bleacher Report a few months ago, I was trying to show why Jason Bartlett is overrated because he makes a lot of errors, I started searching online and then poof, I’m here.
YEB: The Muses have a sick sense of humor then.
Visitor: What are you talking about?
YEB: Your analysis is deeply flawed.
Visitor: Wait a second, you’re one of those stats geeks? And…wait…you’re a senior writer on the Bleacher Report, which is ridiculous as you haven’t written a column in several months, and…you’re an embarrassingly loyal Twins fan. How do I know that stuff?
YEB: The realm is fully integrated with the net, you just ran a Google search in your mind and all was delivered.
YEB: Normally a journeyman writer or a librarian gives you some warning about the possibilities in using writer’s portals.
Visitor: So, as long as I’m here, I guess I can ask why my analysis is so wrong.
YEB: It’s simple, players who make a lot of errors do so because they get to a lot of fielded balls in play. Errors are in fact a rough proxy for range. Luckily, there are better ways of judging a player’s fielding ability. My guess is you’ve been warped by some high school baseball coach, or Tim McCarver.
Visitor: My coach seems like he knows what he’s talking about.
YEB: Wait, you’re still in high school?
Visitor: Well, sure.
YEB slams his head into his keyboard.
YEB: You’re lucky you weren’t thrown into one of the abysses which pocket the realm. J.D. Salinger hasn’t been able to write a book since he hit a metaphysical abyss and had to find himself again.
YEB: Maybe it’d be a good idea if you were to, you know, stop writing for a while.
Visitor: Writers write, jerk.
YEB: Well, I warned you. Just read some books once in a while.
Visitor: Maybe you can answer me this, why haven’t you written in such a long time?
YEB: When the biggest news story of the offseason is the signing of Nick Punto, it’s hard to find a lot of inspiration, even with help from the realm. Plus, I’m working on an MBA, so my writing time is at a premium.
Visitor: I like Nick Punto, he’s scrappy.
YEB slams his head into his keyboard.
YEB: I think it’s time for you to go, before I throw you into an abyss.
Visitor: You’re not much of a guide.
YEB: And you’re not much of an apprentice.
And with that, a quick flash of light and the visitor was gone. YEB returned to his keyboard and began writing. A minute later, through the writer’s ether, YEB heard the faint screams of his neophyte visitor, caught in an abyss no doubt. With a deep sigh, he opened a portal, and dived in, vanishing from his study.
Filed under: Baseball, Columns, Humor | Comments Off on The Writer’s Realm