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Christmas Gift Guide IV: Crap for Writers

Luckily, there’s still some time to do Christmas Shopping. In fact, we’re not even in “last minute panic” mode yet. There’s still stuff you can get from catalogues. Of course, the clock is ticking, you’re going to have to pay more for shipping to make it work.

That said, when you’re buying gifts for a writer, it’s really not important to get the gift there on time. In fact, the only real requirement when you buy a gift for a writer is that you tell them about it, eventually, with some sort of funny story attached.

You see, writers don’t actually want stuff. They want stuff to write about. For writers, nothing in this world exists unless they actually about it. You might go visit a forest, but a writer has no idea what he’s visited until he’s proofreading his memoirs.

While you might think this makes giving gifts to writers easy, it’s not. Giving a gift to a writer actually requires you to interact with a writer, which most doctors recommend you never do.
So, for the writer: A manual typewriter:

Manual Olivetti Typewriter Types at a Pace You Can Think

We don’t anticipate selling many of these typewriters to the young word-processing crowd. But all thinking persons past the age of discretion should consider this reliable, old-fashioned machine. This manual Olivetti moves at a pace that allows ample time to compose your thoughts, and will never crash and lose your words of wisdom. This one has a full-sized keyboard, sliding margin controls, three line-spacing selections and touch controls, and ribbon positions for black, red, or stencil. Durable plastic housing and cover are cream.

There’s nothing better than putting words to paper using a piece of antiquated technology, which is why you should also consider for your writer a fountain pen:

Pilot Varsity™ Disposable Fountain Pen, Black

Smooth Expressive Writing.

-Combines modern design and convenience with the smooth writing of a liquid ink fountain pen
-Ink reservoir window lets you see how much ink is left
-Disposable – no messy refills

I can’t think of a gift that tells a writer “Merry Christmas or whatever” better than a disposable fountain pen. Classy.

And don’t forget, a good writer needs something to write on, like a Reporter’s Notebook:


You’d be really surprised the places you can sneak into with reporter’s notebook, a camera and fake press credentials. I got into the Republican National Convention.
Finally, you can give a writer the best gift (for a writer) ever: A year of Hell. Learn a bunch of practical jokes and use them on your mark. Learn Haydukery and practice it liberally. Siphon gas, throw rats, try arson. The worse you can make a writer’s life, the better. Just be sure to write out a card confessing everything for Christmas 2009 and give it to a mutual friend for delivery next year. Just try not to kill any pets.


4 Responses

  1. For now it looks like I’ve adopted your old blue webpage template from your blogspot days. “Big Blue” rises again!

  2. I loved the old electric typewriters. When I think back to high school, one learned skill I acquired that stands out is the ability to type. (okay, it’s only about 55 wpm, but I think that’s pretty decent) Thank you Mrs. Clark.

  3. Josh- I like it

    KingD-I love typewriters too. I still have a manual typewriter from the 50’s which still works and I have two newer electric typewriters. For some reason, when I’m writing on a typewriter I have no trouble filling a page.

    But I’m a terrible typist. On a computer, I’m somewhere around 70wpm (which is below average for a member of my chat-room/IM generation) and on a typewriter I’m somewhere near 25.

  4. […] can be re-gifted in exothermic form to writers in search of […]

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