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Christmas Gift Guide Vol. V

For the Kids

Despite what some teachers’ unions say, conservatives don’t hate kids. In fact, conservatives are much more likely to make the life decisions that lead to spending several years around kids than are today’s liberals. It’s just that conservatives understand kids don’t contribute to the GDP. It’s not their fault and it’s well known by conservatives that children will eventually be productive members of society.

Because of the conservative economic understanding of children we do our best to balance investment in children (which will reflect the potential GDP of the future) with what they drain from our current GDP. Many people believe you can’t spend enough on “The Children.” Those people aren’t very bright. Destroying wealth isn’t going to lead to prosperity. “The Children” might just have to go without laptops in kindergarten as the money saved is probably better spent investing in solar energy research or cooler ways to destroy cars in movies.

For this reason, I have never really focused on kids’ gifts in the Christmas Gift Guides. I realize this is in error as kids can be impacted by the right gifts the rest of their lives. And my first gift choice could keep future therapists employed long after I’m gone:

Bears in Tanks:

If you think bears are frightening in the woods, you should see them on the battlefield. Researchers have discovered that bears possess an uncanny ability to operate heavy machinery and field artillery. In addition, their skills in map-reading and military tactics are unrivaled in the animal kingdom.

Now, Stupid.com celebrates nature’s unsung heroes with this remarkable set of…


Each beautifully crafted figure features a heroic bear astride a fierce armored vehicle. One bear is about to throw a hand grenade, another mans a machine gun. (or is it “bears a machine gun”) There are four styles in all.

The Bears in Tanks figures are made from hand painted polyresin and measure about 4″ each.

Unbelievably, Bears in Tanks are available at a substantial discount.

If sending conflicting messages regarding cuteness and war aren’t you style, maybe giving an electronic pet is the way to go:

Not only does Pleo move and react autonomously, he looks just like a mini dinosaur. Pleo’s lifelike motions and realistic interactions will have you treating him like part of the family in no time.

Frankly on our list of cool pets robots rank #1 with dinosaurs a close second, so Pleo is certainly the best of both worlds. Plus we were happy to notice the addition of a mini USB port and SD memory card slot which will hopefully lead to some sweet Pleo hacks. Enough blabbing. Check out the Pleo video below and all will be revealed.

Robots are great, especially for the kids that have a hard time making friends. (See, when you have an army of robots you don’t need friends.)

Another option for the socially inept is to get one of those drinking bird things:

These “Dippy Birds” have been around for years, and you can’t fool us – you’ve always wanted one. Now’s your chance! But do you understand how it works? Do you get the complex relationship between chemistry and physics that makes this simple heat engine operate?

Is it a perpetual motion machine, or is it something more than that? Well, the answer is it’s more than that. The Second Law of Thermodynamics states (paraphrased) that energy can neither be created nor destroyed in a closed system. So how does that relate to our little glass birdie here?

The goop in his butt is methylene chloride has a very low boiling point, and therefore evaporates quickly. At room temperature, one or two degrees temperature difference causes the bright red chemical to climb to his head. Suddenly topheavy, he falls over. The felt head, soaked in the water from the cup, cools the methylene chloride, and it drains back to the bottom. The bird rights itself, and it starts all over again.

Sadly, I found out about this little bird when it became the proxy safety inspector for Homer Simpson when he became too fat to work in season seven. Just imagine the hours a child could spend in quiet contemplation. Be careful though, this gift can delay the proper diagnosis of autism.

If there’s a child who’s afraid of the dark and needs a way to hide their fears by using something remotely cool as a night light (at least as cool as astronomy gets) try giving them the light up moon night light:

Authentically detailed, the R/C Moon Phase Light hangs on your wall and shines moonlight just like the real moon. It is light sensitive too, so it will only shine in a darkened room. Capable of twelve different phases, the Moon Light can be set to cycle through each phase (in 5 second intervals) or set to hold your favorite phase. And the best part is, your Moon is run by a little remote control, so you can turn on the unit or change the phase or mode without taking it down off the wall. We like the waxing gibbous phase the best because, well, it just sounds funny.

This is also a good gift for kids who are too lazy to, you know, get up and walk over to a window.

Finally it’s time for our environmental choice, Twig Crayons:

For the child or adult that has everything! These beautiful collection of crayons are salvaged from Polands sustainable forest areas.

Each kit comes complete with 60 crayons (5 of each color) in a beautiful birch holder.

Crayons are easy for budding artists to hold and vary in length in size (as with all handmade, natural products)

Adult supervision for sharpening

Yeah, and at 150 bucks you’ll be doing a lot of sharpening.


One Response

  1. No surprise here, but the big winner is the bear in the tank. That’s cool.

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