This is a copy of a Katie post from Yucky Salad with Bones
I did not write it, but since her website has iffy archives I felt the need to keep these wonderful thoughts forever.
August 29 ’06
The Emmy Awards show last Sunday night was the lowest rated in a long time, I guess, but I watched it, of course I did, and I thought it was actually pretty good. Conan O’Brien was really funny, if you like his brand of goofy, frat boy humor, which I do. NBC is apologizing for his “Lost” spoof, because it seems some folks thought it was insensitive coming on the heels of a real life plane crash, but dang I laughed when his “South Park” alter ego tried to hide in the closet but couldn’t because Tom Cruise was already in there. HAW!
Apparently purple is the new pregnant in Hollywood; 90 percent of the actresses were wearing purple gowns. It was weird, frankly, do the stylists not communicate with each other at all? My favorite purple dress was Meagan Mullaly’s, it was the perfect combination of pretty but tasteful and comfortable looking and it allowed her to stand up straight, unlike all the other purple clad ladies who all looked slouchy and quite frankly, exactly the same. Oh, except for Cheryl Hines, whose purple dress had one of Tonya Harding’s old figure skating costumes glued to the back of it. Notables who bucked the purple trend:
Kyra Sedgwick: I think Kyra is beautiful. That said, the last red carpet event she attended, she was wearing some ugly old curtains from her grandma’s living room, and Sunday night she wore ugly old curtains fromm her grandma’s dining room. I suppose you have to admire her ability to keep people guessing… I can hardly wait to see what part of grandma’s house she’ll wear next.
Virginia Madsen: “Hi everyone, remember me? I was in Sideways, remember? Um, I was, uh, nominated for an Oscar? Remember? No? Wait…”( Sound of fabric ripping as Virginia tears the entire front of her dress clean off, exposing all but a thin sliver of her enormous, free-wheeling breasts)
Two paparazzi talking to each other: “Geez, was that thunder? Is it going to storm?”
“No, I think Virgina Madsen’s boobs just fell out of her dress.”
V.M. : “NOW do you remember? Hey, Sandra! Sandra Oh…Hi it’s me, Virginia! Say hi to Alexander, will you? I’d LOVE to work with him again…if you see Paul, say hi to him for me, too!”
“What? Oh, hi, Virginia. Alexander and I are divorced now, and I haven’t spoken to Paul since “Lady in the Water” tanked. Um, Virginia, I think your dress is on backwards.”
OK, maybe that’s not why her dress spent the whole night trying to leap off of her. Maybe it was just embarrassed to be seen with her.
Jeremy Piven wore an ascot. I love him and I love Entourage, so I’m really hoping he was just being ironic. I thought Simon Cowell was wearing one, too, but then I realized I was just looking at his matted chest hair and threw up. To say he was repulsive would be an insult to repulsive things. (see Virginia Madsen’s dress)
I’ve been a Barry Manilow defender pretty much my whole life. Say whatever you want, the guy’s adorable and he can entertain, you know what I’m sayin’? I read a piece by Joe Queenan once where he went to a Barry Manilow concert ready to rip and came out a believer, and that’s impressive since Joe Queenan is about as hard-boiled as it gets. I love Barry. BUT….
Mr. Manilow has obviously gone completely insane. What else would explain what he’s done to his face?? Nothing moves. He’s got cheek implants so big he looks like he’s storing nuts for the winter. Even his hair looks plastic now; he looks like if Hermie the elf were possessed by Joan Rivers. And after he won his Emmy, he said he was going to bring the statuette into the operating room with him the next day. The official word is “hip surgery”, but I suspect they melted that puppy down and dipped his face into it. And Farrah is apparently seeing the same plastic surgeon.
Keifer…mmmmm Keifer….Charlie Sheen looked sweaty and rumpled and wild-eyed, I do believe his Syphilis is getting the best of him. Ron Livingston and Jennifer Love Hewitt presented some award together, and I remarked that I thought they were the best looking couple of the night. Mike looked up and said, “yeah, and he looks all right, too.” Budump-ump. Katherine Heigle looked beautiful, but unfortunately her boobs were sweating all over the place.
You know who looked the best? Helen Mirren. She had on a really pretty white dress that complemented her hair and skin tone perfectly and a stunning emerald necklace. She won for playing Elizabeth 1 in an HBO movie, I never saw it but I think there’s a law in England that states “Every English actress must, at some point in her career, play Elizabeth 1. And Jeremy Irons will co-star.”
The Dick Clark tribute was fun, and there was a nice tribute to Aaron Spelling. It was awesome to watch his widow dab at her eyes just a second too late every time the camera caught her.
“Mom. Mom! The camera is on you!” (Randy Spelling shakes his mom, who is making out with her trainer)
“Wha? Huh? Is it Tori? Call security!”
“No! The camera was on you!”
“Oh. Damn (she tears up)…I miss Adam…”
“Right….oh, look, honey, a montage highlighting your (as far as we know!) father’s career, how nice. Hey, I didn’t know he did “Sunset Beach”, why haven’t I seen any checks for that? Get my lawyer on the phone!”
By far the most entertaining part of the evening was watching a reliably drunk Paula Abdul try to get through an interview with the chirping team from E! I couldn’t understand a thing she said, but boy did she make me laugh.
August 28 ’06
“He’s been out about 13 years, he hasn’t re-offended…he’s gone straight and you’ve got to admire that. And it also shows that prison works.”
-David Brent on his role model, Nelson Mandela
So The Office won the Emmy (more about the show later) for best comedy last night, absolutely deserved, it’s a great show. But if you want to see the master at work, watch this.
August 27 ’06
Mike got on the scale a few weeks ago and was greeted with a number he has never before had the displeasure of hosting, so he’s been strictly dieting ever since. He has an iron will, people; the guy hasn’t had so much as a cookie in three weeks and while the pounds are coming off slower than he would like, they are coming off.
Yesterday we drove out to Timbuktu to collect the elder babes from camp (whenever I re-read these things, it always seems to come across like Molly is a separate unit from Meg and Finbar; some sort of auxiliary child, which I suppose explains why her whole life is dedicated to making sure people notice her. And I promise not to use any more semi-colons this whole post.) Anyoots, we passed a Culver’s restaurant and my vigilantly starving Miguel blurted out, “I want to eat six butter burgers and pass out on that picnic table.”
Other things we passed that made me chuckle:
The Bug Bee Hive Resort…I’m not sure naming a resort after two of the more unpleasant aspects of summer is the best idea. “C’mon down to the Bug Bee Hive Resort! We’ve got bugs, we’ve got bee hives! Play your cards right and you might find a garter snake in your suitcase or a mole in your bed! Every third guest leaves here with Lyme Disease! Yee haw!”
A homemade sign on someone’s front lawn that said, “Day Care Sale”…what’s for sale, exactly? The day care itself? The services? Or the actual kids? And is a day care that is having a sale really where you’d want to put your kids?
“Hi, Monique, are you going to go back to work now that Cargo is weaned?”
“I honestly wasn’t going to, Linda, but the Bug Bee Hive Daycare was having a sale, and I just couldn’t pass it up. You know I’m a sucker for a good sale!”
D&D Recycling, right next to D&D Storage. Hmmm.
Kidlets had a wing ding of a good time at camp, and were both incredibly sad to leave. We went to a great band concert last night, but by evening’s end they were fit to be tied…and in a move of ugly Pavlovian irony, both popped out of bed at 7 am this morning. Instead of spending today doing fun, loving-family-reunited type things, I have spent it refereeing/banishing them to their rooms and they have spent it alternately shrieking at me and at each other. They are going to bed right after dinner. Just as well, since the Emmy’s are on.
August 24 ’06
If Space Were High School
Pluto: “Hi you guys! What’s up?”
Mars and Venus look at each other uncomfortably. After a beat, Mars mumbles, “Oh, hi, Pluto. What’s up?”
Venus stifles a giggle and Mars elbows it and whispers, “Shut up! You’re so mean!”
Pluto: “Are you guys going to Jupiter’s party in twenty thousand years? I can’t wait. I’ve been working on my gravitational pull.”
(Enter Jupiter and Neptune.)
Jupiter: “Excuse me, dwarf planet, what are you doing talking to Mars and Venus?”
Pluto: “What? What do you mean? Oh, you’re talking about my demotion…so I’m downgraded a little, so what? I’m still the same old me, good old Pluto! Remember that time Earth had that dinosaur infestation and I was like, ‘Hey Earth, why don’t you call Orkin?’ That was funny, right?”
Jupiter: “Whatever, dwarf. I always knew you weren’t one of us; for crying out loud, you’re not even round.”
Neptune: “Yeah, and newsflash, I don’t really appreciate how you’ve been orbiting me all the time like some stalker. It totally grosses me out, why don’t you just quit it.”
Pluto: “It’s not like I can help it! You think I don’t want to orbit the Sun?”
Jupiter: “Look, dwarf, we’ve been listening to your dumb stories for long enough. Go hang out with Ceres, why don’t you…what, Venus? What did you say?”
(They all look at Venus, who blushes and stammers nervously)
Venus: “Um…I was just saying, Earth does think it’s so great and everything just because it has people and stuff. I mean, don’t you get sick of its constant whining about that stupid Ozone hole? You can’t even see it. At least it has Oxygen.”
(Jupiter leans in menacingly close to Venus.)
Jupiter: “You don’t fool anyone, Venus, we all know how jealous you are of Earth and you might as well face it: Your properties are not even close. Not only do women not come from you, you’re never going to have people, or trees, or those giraffe things you’re so obsessed with. No way, no how. Now why don’t you shut up or maybe we’ll have to start calling you a dwarf, too.”
Venus: “No…no please, Jupiter, I’m sorry.”
(The four bona fide planets spin away, leaving Pluto rejected and dejected. Enter Ceres and Xena, the two other “dwarf planets”.)
Xena, excited: “Hi Pluto! Heard you’re one of us, now! Do you want to go try and clear asteroids out of our ellipses?”
Ceres, sadly: “Hey, I am an asteroid!”
Xena: “Whoops, sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it, you’re so big I just forgot.”
Pluto, angrily: “I don’t want to hang out with you guys, and like you’re even strong enough to clear your orbital paths anyway. You know what? I hope you get crushed by icy debris! Leave me alone! Just leave me alone!”
(Pluto spins away, its odd egg shape giving its orbit an awkward tilt.)
Xena: “Pluto better watch it. I’m bigger than it is.”
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