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Satire

Twins GM Cancels Remainder of Season
Cites need for rebuilding, lack of freetime

Twins General Manager Terry Ryan, in an exclusive email sent to Twins Manager Ron Gardenhire and accidentally CC: Earth, showed that he intends to cancel the rest of the season for the Twins.

In the email, Ryan tells “Gardy”

“I think it’s obvious that the guys need some time off, and I could use some free time. My schedule has been really busy, and I completely forgot about the whole trading deadline thing. So I think the secret is out, and I’d like to save money on the electricity bill.”

The Twins have been 7-14 since the All Star Break, and many commentators have questioned The ability for the Twins to compete against Boston and New York for the American League Wild Card Spot.

The crappy offensive numbers led to numerous rumors that Ryan would try to pick up a slugger for the rest of the season. Patrick Ruesse, Star Tribune sports columnist and annoying gashead, commented that he thought Ryan should at least make some sort of trade to try to convince fans that the Twins are serious about a run at the Wild Card.

“With 30 more home games left, Ryan should at least give some reason for fans to buy tickets,” said Ruesse in his column, which too many people read.

In the email, Terry Ryan also mentioned that the time off could be used to “rebuild” the team:

“I think we can start a new workout plan, get the guys doing some brickwork and beating up state legislators. We need that stadium. Plus, if Radke bulks up, we can move him to third base. He’s the kind of slugger we’ve been looking for. And just think, that frees up Cuddyer to pitch”

After the recent season ending injury of fan favorite Torii Hunter, fans were hurting for any signs that the Twins were recovering.

“I think Gardenhire should sell his car for a slugger. I mean, I never see him in his car, he doesn’t need it” Said fan Mark McKason.

Fans are stupid.

Twins Designated Hitter Matt Lecroy was excited about the news.

“We weren’t doing nothing anyway. Now I got more time to drink beer.”

It is expected that Lecroy will be at Keegan’s Irish Pub tonight, celebrating his new found freedom with some Irish chips and an intolerable blogger community.

The Marxist Case against Public Workers’ Unions

Does anyone else ever wonder why state employees unionize?

AFSCME, Teachers, whatever. Why do they unionize? When mine workers go on strike, they typically do so because the owners of their coal mines are being jerks. Either in safety or compensation. That makes sense, in a way. The workers are being “exploited” by bourgeois capitalists, and the workers unite and try to get whatever it is they think they deserve.

No problem yet. But when teachers go on strike, who are they striking against? There’s no bourgeois oppressors. Their labor is not being exploited at all by capitalists. Are they striking against parents or kids?

In fact, if one follows Marxist theory, public workers shouldn’t be able to unionize at all. They represent a false “oppressed” class.

Here’s some background. In Marxist economic theory, you have “the labor theory of value.” Basically, what makes any object valuable is the labor that is put into it. It’s a bunch of crap, but that’s alright for this discussion. Okay,so now you have workers producing stuff, putting value into that stuff. Under Marxist theory, they should receive the value they put into whatever product they make.

Again, this is fine. But what Marx objects to is the fact that the workers don’t own the means of production. Thus, their capitalist overmen take their products, and don’t give them their cut of the surplus value. This is profit for the capitalist, and exploitation for the worker.

So, ideally in a Marxist production factory, the workers own the means of production. All surplus value is properly given out to every worker. (ideally, there is no surplus at all, equilibrium is found where everybody gets their needs fulfilled).

So, we apply this to the coal miners’ situation, they’re getting exploited, they organize, and they win.

Again, whatever. Good bad, it doesn’t matter.

But why are government workers unionizing? They are not being exploited by a bourgeois class of people at all. They are not producing surplus. No surplus, no exploitation. The government is not profiting, the government is losing money in what they do, that’s why they tax us for it.

In fact, government workers’ unions are anathema to Marxist theory entirely. The government workers are organizing against the people. That’s a big no no. By going on strike they threaten the wealth redistibution that they heavily favor.

So why are there still government unions? The big reason is that many government workers are leftist thinkers, so they think it’s necessary. They don’t carry their thinking to the full extent of their philosophy. The labor movement has to tolerate them, because they are so huge and wealthy. But they’re also wrong.

Government workers unions should be outlawed. They work against the very grain of the philosphy that created them, and they work against the people who rely on government. They are not exploited by anyone, and they produce no surplus value. If there is no exploitation and no stolen surplus, that means they are petty bourgeois.

They also keep the costs of government high, and you know how much that pisses off conservatives. So we finally have something Marxists and conservatives can agree on. Let’s get rid of those imposters today.

Tony Garcia shows why AFSCME is bad in practice, not just in theory.

Random Link o’ the Day:

http://www.yogiberra.com/

Random Thought

Baseball is awesome.

Image from the Library of Congress

Tuggs Tavern

On Probation…

Tuggs is a quaint little yuppie bar on the riverfront in St. Anthony Main. The area has a lot of history, and Tuggs plays on that quite a lot. You can sit outside and eat on their porch, which has an excellent view of a power relay station.

The standard Tuggs clientele are recent college grads that reek of yuppie and probably need to try an extended period of poverty. Not to say these people are evil, they’re just arrogant pompous and annoying.

Luckily, Tuggs couples their better-than-you clientele with worse-than-Denny’s service. I’ve never seen worse service anywhere. The waitresses are universally inattentive. You do get refills on the soft drinks, if you ever see your waitress. The first time I went to Tuggs it was a busy weekend crowd. The Waitress came by (after fifteen minutes) and asked for our drink order. Fifteen minutes later the waitress came by again asking for our drink order. Fifteen minutes later the drinks came and she took our order. An hour later we were still waiting for the bill.

I thought this would just be a fluke, but the second time I went there, during a slow Tuesday night, the service was the same.

But nothing beats poor service better than ridiculously high prices. It’s $2 plus for the pop, and their signature burgers run in the $10 range. Don’t even ask about the Beer…

Are there any bright spots? Sure, the Humpty Dumpty burger is a delicious 1/3 pound burger with quality fixin’s plus a fried egg on top. They also have a burger topped by hashbrowns. Both are worth a try. Sort of. Tuggs grills their burgers to perfection, with a little pink on the inside.

However, avoid like the plague their stuffed burgers. Their concepts are fine. There’s a burger stuffed with cream cheese and Jalapenos. Another has cheddar and bacon, another swiss and mushrooms. These would be tasty, if they actually stuffed enough material into the burger patty to make you be able to taste it. The Jalapeno/cream cheese deal showed up with only a small chunk of cream cheese in one corner of the burger.

The swiss cheese/mushroom concoction showed no signs of ever having been acquainted with swiss cheese. This was the case both times.

If you really need a stuffed burger, go try the juicy nookie burger at “The Nook” on Cleveland in St. Paul. They use a big chunk of Velveeta cheese, it costs half as much, and it doesn’t take ’em thirty minutes to make it. Or just go to Matt’s Bar or the 5-8 club on Cedar.

However, I don’t know of anywhere else in the Twin Cities area where you can enjoy an egg on your burger. Because of that, Tuggs is on Probation.

http://www.tuggstavern.com/